The week is starting to go down hill fast.

It is not that anything has gone terribly wrong- it is not even related to our scarcely being able to pay our bills this month (even though that may not even be possible without outside help).

It's just the sinking feeling inside me that has been dropping lower and lower...

This morning I just want to find somewhere to curl up in a ball and have myself a good cry.

I feel like I'm living out half a dream- half because I have the beautiful child I've always wanted, the loving husband, the life with my family. Half because no matter how far I get in my life, I always end up feeling like I do- down.

We've talked about the possibility of me trying out counseling again, since my first run at it five years ago didn't go over so well. But even if we could afford it (which we can't, and won't be able to even seriously consider until we have some sort of health insurance), I'm not convinced it would do a whole lot anyhow.

Doesn't everyone feel like this at some point or another?

I have to get a job. I know I have to. I need to. It's not really a choice anymore. But I just can't bring myself to put my heart in it. And even if I do send in my resumes and references for the two different possibilities I found today, I know I will end up having a good cry about it later.

Is it the change that is making me feel this way? The change from stay at home mom to probably having a full time job and not seeing much of my family mom? The change from living in a city I'd gotten used to and had a few friends and family nearby to city where we know nobody and the closest relative lives 50 minutes away? The change from being somewhat financially stable to not knowing if we'll make it through the next week?

I've fallen into a rut. I think there was a point in my life when I would reach outside myself and ask my friends to help me make it through hard times like this. I remember crying with them and knowing that I was never alone. I used to find some comfort in knowing that God always has a plan for me. I remember turning to Him when I felt like life was at it's worst.

I don't do that anymore. Even my friend who I left behind in Minneapolis I won't call. I won't reach out to my friends I can talk to online. I won't reach out to those who want to be there for me if only I'd just ask. I barely find the energy to reach out to my husband...

What changed that made it so hard to be in the world around me? Why have I forgotten how to keep in touch with friends and be a friend to those who matter to me?

It's been like this for a long time. Probably since high school.

There is something missing here.

I wish I knew what it was.

"I know there's a word for this, I know there's a word for the way I'm feeling. I know there's a word for this. I know it, and it's on the tip of my tongue, and it won't go any further.

I know there's a word for this. I know, 'cause it's in the dictionary, and when I find what it is I'll write it down in case it comes up again. I'll be certain to avoid it.

So, take this down: I just feel so beat, and I think it's time to admit defeat. I thought I got mine, but that uphill climbing is never through."

-Aimee Mann, I Know There's a Word