I don't know what scares me more- trying to overcome the anxiety I have that seems to be taking over my life, or knowing that it might not be something I can handle on my own and some sort of medication might actually make things easier for me.

I feel like I should be able to handle this. I've been through so much in my life already, and it's taken me a long time but I believe in myself now and if I think I can do something I should be capable of doing this. But maybe this is out of my hands- because try as I might I still find myself in the same place...

In a corner, on the floor, crying till I have a headache that will last all week, and all because of the stress of every day life.

This morning was no different... and sadly I had my breakdown right before my husband left go go sailing. He didn't want to leave because he suspected nothing was wrong but came in to tell me something before he left and found me sitting on the bed, crying, and shaking hard enough that it really worried him.

I tried to explain to him after enough emotion passed that I could breathe again that I'm stressed out by all the changes... but apparently they are changes that are not obvious to him.....

So here I am back at the beginning. I am trying to consider after being coaxed into seeking outside help weather this is something I can handle changing on my own or if there should be medication involved. And it scares me. Just as much as walking up to someone in a store and asking for an application, or just as much as talking to that person in the plot next to me at the community garden.

I can't simplify it. I'm trying so hard, and it just isn't going away. And maybe if I'm patient and keep trying really hard it will.... but I don't know if I have that in me.

I guess there's a lot I don't know right now. But I'm tired of being stressed out all the time. And I want to feel like I am living again.