Yesterday was Jeremy's birthday, he would've been 19 if he had made it this far. I lit a candle for him, and let it burn until midnight in my window, but I feel like I didn't do enough.
I still havn't thought a whole lot about him, or about what happened, and the next few days also are going to be very busy.

I've been talking to Ben on IM this afternoon... egads, I'm thankful for him. :) He's a good friend to me.

Now I'm crying. Kind of a relief, although I feel like a dork.

*sigh* I'm lonely.

I don't know why exactly, but it feels so much like I set myself up to be this way.

I have friends around. I havn't called them today though- I guess I've been hoping some of them would call me. That in itself sets me up for dissapointment... why should they call? When's the last time I called any of them?

Stupid internet lines aren't really up yet in dorms, so a lot of my friends aren't online. Well, actually Joy's not online. I havn't talked to him for so long- and I really miss him. But like everyone else, I could call him- and I chose not to. I guess maybe that's because my friends that are online are either having their normal half distracted "I'm at school, I have time to talk, but not really talk" type conversations, or they aren't talking to me at all.

Erg.

And Kat and Alex aren't online.

I tried to find something productive to do today, so I wouldn't be so bored. I looked all over the house for my box of string so I could make some friendship bracelets, but couldn't find it. So instead, I gave up. I sat around all morning watching a movie.

The movie I watched was all about this girl trying to find a perfect relationship, and it really got me thinking. :( Movies like that on days like this are bad.

I miss Jeremy a lot. I've been pushing him from my mind a lot these days, against the advice of some of my better friends.

*sigh*

I feel crazy right now. I wish I had my best friend here. Whoever that is, though, doesn't seem to be living up to my wishes.

I'd ask for a hug from Susie when she gets home... all I want is to be held. But I don't think I will.

Sooner or later I'm going to have to get this thinking out of the way.

I havn't had a whole lot on my mind over the past few days- Susie is a nice distraction, and my friends are also keeping me away from having too much time on my hands. That's going to change over the next week or so, but I'm glad I've been as caught up in life as I have been. :)

Anyway, I probably won't post a lot until next week again. There are few times when this house is quiet and settled down enough for me to really get my thoughts straight, and hopefully I won't be up late enough at night to be able to catch the settled night hours.

I feel horrible. :( It's almost five, and I've been up since three feeling nautious. My head is pounding- I finally gave in and took some tylenol about ten minutes ago.
Errg. I hate throwing up.
I really hope it's 'cause I caught some bug, and not because of a reaction to my new acne medicine. Sadly... I think that's not very probable.
I miss sleeping through the nights. I haven't done that in so long... but at least the insomnia hadn't been like this before. Not being able to go to sleep is one thing. Waking up in the middle of the night for hours at a time is another.

Ugh. Over the past few weeks, I've managed to gain about 7 pounds. It's weight I worked hard to lose last summer, and I'm not excited to have it back. Plus, my acne is in full swing again- worse than I ever remember it being before. After talking do the dermatalogist, it sounds like I've got some scarring. Yeah me, and way to bring up the confidence level. Pssht. I'm feeling very thankful for my friendship with Kevin right now- if he hadn't taught me how to have a center and appear confident, I wouldn't be as happy with myself as I am right now. And sadly, even that is dwindling.

I keep thinking of that e-mail Jeremy sent me about a year and 1/2 ago. That's what really inspired me to start losing weight, and taking better care of myself to start with. And, I've delt with any pain invovled there. But if there's anything I've learned this summer, and over the past year- its that even though not everyone is concerned with appearence... a lot of people are.

In spite, I want to not care. I want to become fat, and gross looking so that only people who really really care will ever want to love me. But, as much as my spite works in my favor, I'm sick of playing that game.

I know I'm complaining about almost nothing. There are a lot of people far worse off than I am. So, I'm going to go sulk silently.

This weekend was great... it was so good to see Joy and Kristin; I've missed them a lot. And, smiling and jumping back into old routines- there isn't any place I would've rather been. The best part I think, was that I actually got to talk with Joy a bit. I don't know if that will happen again anytime soon, but I hope it does.
Anyway, we did manage to get ourselves into a bit of trouble, and I think Joy came out with the worst of it. :( I feel really bad, and know that I probably should've been worse off than I was. I hope it didn't kill his day... I don't think I'm going to post about what happened here though.
---------

This morning I woke up to the sound of rain. It was beautiful...

It's 5:30 in the morning. :( Why am I still awake? Still thinking?

Gah, I'm crazy. I feel like someone who I thought was going to be a really good friend just proved that they're going to be the same kind of friend as everyone else. And I'm dissapointed in this, because I had hopes that were beyond human capability.

It will get better. There will be someone as wonderful as Jer again someday. And even if there's not.... I'm going to be alright. Right?

Jeremy,

I don't think you understand, how it was supposed to be.

We were going to grow old together, or I was going to grow old knowing you were happy. Those were the choices...

You left me behind again. I want to be with you, I don't want to go through the rest of my life without you...

I don't feel alright anymore. When Laurie and I went to the place you died, I wanted to pull out the same way you did. I wanted to be hit by a car, so I wouldn't have to be here anymore.

You weren't supposed to die. You weren't aloud to leave first.... didn't you know how much I needed you? How much I needed to know you were alright?

I thought to myself this summer, the last time I saw you, that if we started talking again maybe I'd move closer to home. Maybe we could start working on our friendship again, maybe we could be there for eachother instead of just wishing.

Now, home is the last place I want to be. I'm spending a month here knowing that we're not going to cross paths, and that you're not going to get on IM, or call.

I'm writing to you now with no tears. I don't have the energy to cry anymore- I have to see my friends from school tomorrow, and next week I have friends and family here. It's not that I'm putting on the fake smile I mastered over the past years.... it's that they want me to be happy, and you would've wanted me to be happy, so I'm not going to grieve. I'm not going to take the time I need to step back and believe what happened, instead I'm going to go through the rest of my life believing you moved on and found a good life.

I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why you got to leave first. And I don't understand why you were stronger than I was. I don't understand why you were able to walk away pretending you didn't care.

I watched you go through hell and back after we stopped talking so much. What you don't know is that I did the same, but in a different way. Instead of taking my pain out on the world, I bottled it up inside and became better at blocking people from me. I'm still scared- scared to let anyone in that deep. I havn't admitted it even to myself until this moment- because I'm so open with anyone who listens. But it turns out I have secrets on my heart too.

This past summer, and very late spring, after I heard you were doing okay, I had moved on again. I missed you still, thought of you often, prayed for you every night- but I was content because I knew that you were okay.

Your.... death has rekindled a lot of old pain. I wish I could be sick, throw up, get a fever, dwindle in and out of conciousness for a few days, and wake up only to find I'm dreaming.

But I don't wake up, and the sick feeling still hasn't really left.

I was reading through an old journal today. A lot of why you were so different from eveyrone was because you understood, and if you didn't you tried to until you did, and you cared when everyone else had no time, and you noticed when I was down when no one else could.

That must have been a dream. Perhaps all through my life I drempt you, and I have yet to find someone for the first time.

I should've died first. Why couldn't you give me that? You're the lucky one... you don't have to live through this world anymore.

For six months, you were the reason I woke up in the morning. You would call me before you went to school (two hours before I actually woke up every day), and we would talk late into the night. After we stopped dating, you were the reason I woke up in the morning; I hoped that every day something would change between us. When it didn't change, and I moved on from actually believing we could fix whatever went wrong, you were the reason I woke up in the morning. I prayed that you were okay, wherever you were, and that you would forgive me so that we could talk and move our different directions, and be happy for eachother.

Now, you are the reason I wake up in the morning. I hope I can have that kind of relationship with someone again someday.

Right now, I'm too scared. I opened up to you, we caused eachother more pain than anyone else had ever caused either of us, and then we walked out of eachother's lives. Then you died. The lesson I picked up was thus; people you get close to will either reject you, or die someday anyway.

I wish I had a wall to go pound. I wish I had tears to cry, and I wish I could get this feeling building up in me out.

But not tonight.


I miss you Jer- a lot. More than anyone will ever know or understand. I don't want to believe you're gone- because someday I have to be able to trust someone else. I have to go put on a happy face, and try my hardest to make it genuine- because even though I have doubts I know with all my heart that you wanted me to be happy just as badly as I wanted you to be happy.

I'm not ready to wish you goodbye quite yet though. I'm not done needing you.

So, I'll wish you a goodnight.

I love you. Always and forever.

Mary

If I could live forever, in this life, as I am now.... I don't know if I would pass it up or not. Do I live my days now? Really, truely live, that is?

The past week I've done a lot of crying, a lot of reflecting, and have gotten myself throughly lost. I don't know what I believe anymore, but I've finally realized I'm not immortal. In this body at least, I will grow old, and die.

Tonight is the night, I think, that I will brave the articles about Jeremy's death. I'll look at the picture of his car, and I might cry. Or I might be okay.

Jeremy lived. I know this only because the time I felt most alive in my entire life was the time I spent with him.

If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy with the life I've lived. I've had love, friends, family... I've learned how to be a little bit braver, and how to take falls a little bit harder. I've felt the worst pain in the world, and the greatest joy- at least, in my world. I've been happy.

I think I have a lot of life left ahead of me. I'm scared that I'm taking it for granted- because I already do that every moment I breathe. And, I don't want to go through it alone.
But, I'm never alone. I had him- the guy of my dreams. And even if he's not with me now because he has passed on, he lives in my heart.

Listening to a song today, I heard a new song that really reminded me of Jeremy.

"A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. A thousand lies have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same. All the miles that separate disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face... The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello. I’ve heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go... Everything I know, and anywhere I go, It gets hard but it won’t take away my love...
...I'm here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams, and tonight there's only you and me." -Three Doors Down

I know it's not exaclty in the same context, but before Jeremy died, this was all still true. Now it just feels like he's farther away.

I had forgotten, but a big part of the reason I hate being home so much sometimes is because I feel so insignificant here. I'll be telling my parents about something, and talk for a few minutes... and when I'm done they won't have heard anything I said. I hate being ignored. :( I'm better of just not being around to start with. Then the few times I am home I am significant, and I do really matter.

I don't know how I'm going to survive the next month.

I'm starting to feel kind of sick. :( I think it's a combonation of stress, heat, humitidy, and boredom. I had forgotten exactly how hot midwest summers can get- and I know I'm catching the end of it, so this isn't even the worst! But it makes me want to pass out or throw up or something. Blech. The worst side is we don't have air conditioning- it's too expensive. And I'm broke, so I really have no where to escape to when I start feeling sick.

I've started working on my scrap book from highschool days. I wasn't excited about it after I dug it out of my closet, but after paging through it I know it's something I still want to finish. Already, a lot of the stuff I have saved to put in it I'd forgotten about. I think I've decided to make a different kind of scrap book/journal with Jeremy's stuff, or maybe put a box together to seal away for a long while.

Also, I've decided I'm really scared of the next month. I've got a lot of time just sitting around at home ahead of me- and all that time to think isn't exactly what I want right now.

Hopefully Susie will get home soon. I hope I don't drive her crazy, but I miss her attention. And she'll be the first friend I've seen all day.

Mandy and I hung out tonight... it was so good to see her and spend time with her. Always, I feel so at ease around her- she's one of the few friends where I can have deep conversations with without feeling weird, no matter how long it's been since we last saw eachother. Plus, we always have a lot of fun together.

My mission of the night was to find a Journal. After talking with Kat, I decided it would really be a good idea if I were to start writing down all my Jeremy memories. I don't want to lose them, and they'll fade with time. So, I found a black leather covered journal which is pretty nice, I think. I'm probably going to have a hard time writing enough to start with- even just now I wrote a few pages but had to stop... but soon I'll be out of things to write. I'm going to fill up the back with letters to him, I think.

Also, we stopped at Dairy Queen, and I got a blue rasberry misty freeze... I haven't had one in about three years- since Jer and I were dating. They were his favorite, and we used to share them. Funny, they aren't quite as good as I remember them being. But, I'm glad I had one. It was nice to have something that he would've liked.... I guess that sounds kind of weird.

I'm so thankful for Mandy. She put up with my reminiscing, and even talked with me for a bit. I needed her.

So many questions still though... always, there will be questions. And I still havn't put two and two together in my head- I don't believe it yet.

I'm sitting online talking to Amber, and it just occured to me: Jer was going to take swing dance lessons with me. :( No dance lessons for us now. Not ever.

I'm glad I still got into dancing anyway.

For those of you who might be concerned, I have decided to fuck over giving up pop.
Since I heard that Jeremy died on Thursday, I have been drinking anything and everything caffiene related, and could care less about how healthy or unhealthy it is for me.
I wish Dr. Pepper was an addictive drug that could kill me, because right now it would bring a welcomed end. Sadly, I'm not seriously suicidal, and Dr. Pepper is indeed not some addictive drug.
I'm not sure how many of you make this connection when I talk about Dr. Pepper- but the only reason I ever started drinking it was because it was Jeremy's favorite pop, and he got me hooked while I was dating him. I believe I blogged about it once, and have yet to find what I had to say about it.
Anyway, bring on the caffiene and the consequences of drinking it.

And, while we're at it, could somoene please make it fucking rain? I could use a good thunderstorm. :(

Jeremy,
Laurie and I went to your intersection today.... we brought two beautiful carnations with us. They were white with maroon tips, and the lady at the flower store had to dig to find them, she was going to give us pink. It took us a while to figure out where we were, because I tried to get there going on 63... all the places we passed felt so familiar. They're still fresh in my memory from when I used to drive you home. When we drove past your house I almost couldn't believe you weren't there.
The intersection was so busy... did you just not see that lady coming? Did you think you could go faster? The skid marks... the ground where your car dug up the ground.... Shit Jeremy. Why couldn't you have fucking waited a few more seconds?
Were there ambulances? How much traffic did they block to clean everything up? Shattered glass, pecies of car in the tracks... there was no blood.
I took two pieces of your car... small round pieces with holes in the middle. I'm going to make a necklace from them, and wear them until they wear away.
Was there a body bag? Commotion? How is that lady now, and your friend- how is he?
I don't ever want to go back there. That whole side of town.... Jer it's been your turf for two years now. Now that you're not there, I'm not going to pass you on the streets, and there won't be that aukward side glance between us when we do see eachother. It's not so intimidating anymore... it's just... empty.
So many memories flooded me as I drove past all those familiar places. I want to go back, and live through each of them again and again. I want them to keep you alive, because my mind still hasn't made the connection that you're really gone. Even though I know, I don't believe whole heartedly.
There's a lot of aggresion building up in me now. I've been swearing a lot... and I feel sorry for whoever I blow up at later.
I've decided to finish my scrap book while I'm home. I have a month to waste, and as long as I'm stuck reminiscing, I should probably get something constructive done. I wonder what I'll come across.....
So many nights have passed. So much time.
And what do I have to show for it? Where am I? I feel so lost without you Jer. I was lost to begin with.
*sigh*
-Mary

Lyrics from the past few days that hit close to where my thoughts were:

"Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Yeah - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
And that's when I met you - yeah

Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life"
-Bryan Adams

"To watch the leaves grow on the trees with you is out of question.
I walk into this summer all alone the usual session.
You feel your instinct then you act but was it your intention,
to leave me down and broken now you've ended our ascension.
I still can feel the beach sand in my shoes.
Remember when, we talked along the ocean's song 'til blue from black fade in?
But that was then I learned to live without you, far within'.
I ask you why you're back to try to let me loose again?
You brought me here, you wet my taste. You disapeer without a trace.
It wasn't me who made the call.
'Cause now I wanna be where you sleep, where you laugh, where you breathe.
And I hate to say, still I sway. Brown your eyes, Gone away.
Should I feel some closure? I deserve if that at least.
And would you be so kind to show reasons for your release?
You woke me up from a distant past I left behind complete.
The message that you sent that night now falls to bittersweet."
-Nine Days

Always on my mind, this week Jeremy. I'm stuck in the past, stuck in a rut with you but so much without you.

*sigh*

Yipes. After thinking about what I just posted, and looking at someone else's posts.... I feel like I assume a lot that I shouldn't assume.

Errrg.

Sleep would be good.

I should play catchup with some of the journal entrys I wrote while I was on the road, and get everyone upto date on exactly everything that went down, because our trip was quite an adventure. However, right now I'm not in the mood to type it all up.... so I'm going to blog for a bit normal, and then I'll post maybe two of the jounral entries that came about.

The feeling of getting really close to Rochester was weird. I've been so homesick, that there is really not another place I'd want to be right now (I mean, I miss Kat, but I'll be ready to go back to her in a few days. Home is needed at present). Sadly, I've been dreading being here....

Jeremy really did die. I got home, and was exploring on the computer... and found a saved scaned article of his obituary, complete with picture. :( He didn't look happy in the picture... it leaves me with so many questions.
Tomorrow I'm going to probably bring Laurie (although, that's debatable) to the place where Jer died. I need to show myself that he didn't just dissapear for a while again, and in some way I need to force closure upon myself. I don't want to let go of him, but as easy as it would be to go through the rest of my life pretending we just don't talk anymore, I need to live by the truth.

I'm still not okay... It's hard for me to take this all in. Sure, I kid around when I tell people I'm going to live forever- but in my heart I actually believed it. Jeremy was not only the best friend of my life thus far, but he's the first person really close to me who has died.

Not being immortal is a shock.

I guess.... I'm angry that he's dead. I know he wasn't the guy I was going to marry- but in my mind my kids were still his, and he was the one I was growing old with. I was waiting for someone else to come along and replace those dreams, but it hasn't happened yet. And I wasn't ready to let the former dreams go.

I'm angry that he died first. I didn't want to be the one left behind, and I have a sinking feeling I was keeping track of his life a lot closer than he was keeping track of mine. Although, when I say that I'm lying to myself. I only know of his death because I've got friends who are on the insides of these sorts of things.

I'm angry that everything I had with Jeremy was so good, and that anyone else who wants to be a serious part of my life has so much to measure upto. I'm angry that Jonathan scares me because he touches on that ground where we might actually get to know one eachother, instead of just hanging out once in a while. Because, as much as I tell myself he's good, I can't help but be scared of him. I cringe, and pull back now, becuase the turf we're covering is familiar, and I don't want to go there with anyone else. But at the same time, I really like and respect Jonathan, and feel like he deserves so much more from me.

Mostly, I'm angry that I'm not really angry at all. I'm frustrated, a bit lost, and still very confused.

Is my ranting tonight really about Jeremey?

I don't know anymore.

So much I want him back, but it feels like I'm just looking for another reason to cry or obsess about something that will hurt me more.

Is that normal?



Here are my entrys from today and yesterday.
08-18-03
I feel like I have no energy. I've been sleeping in the car for the greater amount of this trip though. I wonder if it's just because there's not much else to do, or if it's because I wore myself out this weekend.
I'm definatly not close to tears anymore, and I'm scared that its' because I'm done grieving. I would hate myself if thatw ere the case.... Although truth be told, I'm not sure I have any tears left in me right now anyway.
I really just want a day to listen to all my music that reminds me of him, and be lost in memory.....
How has his death changed me?
-
I feel bad for Jonathan, trying to be in my life now. I don't want him there, especially because we relate on a high level for the amount of time we've known eachother and it feels like he's on Jer's turf. It's not fair for him that when I look at him I feel like I'm a traitor- and I don't know how to change that.
I just want friends right now, friends that understand and aren't like Jeremy and don't push lines that remind me of Jeremy.
I just want Jeremy.
-
What if the only way for me to see my boy again is to rot in hell? I don't know where he went= I don't konw if he was Christian. But ohh..... I don't want him to be alone.
It's not worth it though, right? If that's how I were to be with him again someday?
This moment, it will pass. These fears will fade... my life is only a moment in time.
I should've died first.
God is here, I can feel Him. But.. it hurts so much. And God's real comfort won't come until I too have passed away.

08-19-03
Kat's right about me. I have a tendancy to go out of my way to make anyone happy but myself.
Because of this, I'm sitting in the backseat of Laur's car almost in tears. I want to be home, I want to grieve, and I want to see where Jeremy died- maybe that will make it real.
Jeremy's the only person who used to notice when I was about to say something, or when I was interrupted. I miss him so much. I love him, and I'm angry that he left me behind again.
I odn't want to be in this car with these people. I miss my friends who care about my feelings and worrys and heartaches as much as their own.
I'm tired of being a fucking second priority, and it bothers me that Laur is only going home for her braces.
I'm scared of going home tonight, scared of dealing with this on my own and hse's the only person alive who might have understood.
Usually I hate crying, but right now the salty tears running down my cheeks are my only comfort.
Jeremy's not around to care about me anymore. Will anyone ever care about me that much again?
I need to get my act together and quit crying.
Damn it.
Damn this.


Looking back at that, and everything I've written tonight, I feel I need to clarify. Right now, my thoughts are still pretty jumbled. :( Jonathan, if you read this, you should let me know what you think, and try not to get offended- that's the last thing on earth I want to do.
Most of my thoughts right now aren't even rational.
For example, I've been toying with the idea of geting into a similar car accident to Jeremy's to see if I could also die. But, it's nothing I would ever actually attempt. It's just a thought that crosses my mind now as a sick twisted way to deal with the pain.

Now I really feel stupid. For typing things like that.... I don't know why I let you guys in on the inner workings of my brain. I guess it's because once there was one person who made me feel like I really wasn't alone. I guess by letting you guys in, I hope in some way I can bless someone else with that same feeling.

Anyway, I'm tired. It's obvious that I'm not making incredible amounts of sense, and I'm hungry. Maybe I'll try to clarify my brain more tomorrow.

For now, adeu to all. I miss everyone in Seattle, and in Cedar Rapids, and I plan on calling Cedar Rapids tomorrow.
'night.

I wonder how much of Jeremy impacts the kind of guys I chase after these days. I have a hunch bad boys are so much more attractive because they're least likely to be what he was to me.

Will I find a friendship with anyone else like I had with him, and do I want that again someday?

I used to look back on us, and try to think of something that I wouldn't be willing to give to have one more day with him... I never did come up with anything. It's been almost three years that I met, and although I wish I had made some of my choices very differently- I have no regrets.

I really was lucky in the end, that Jeremy and I ended up as we did. No, not lucky that we barely talked, and that both of us were still having more troubles than not.... but lucky that we had that one night that found both of us a bit of solice.

*sigh*

I don't know quite what my point was, or even if I had one. That seems to happen with my blogs a lot these days. Mostly, I miss him. And, someday I'm going to have someone in my life again. I pray that they will be able to bless my life as much as he did... they're going to have a lot to live up to.

I just finished writing a letter to Jeremy's family. *sigh* I'm still breathing, without having to remember, thankfully. But I feel a little short of breath now. It's just one step closer to making his death more of a reality.

Here's what I wrote:

Dear family of Jeremy,

I’m not sure if you remember me or not, but I dated Jeremy for about six months a few years back. I’ve been living in Seattle recently, but when I heard the latest news, I couldn’t believe it. It’s hard to imagine he’s really gone.
There are a lot of ways Jeremy touched my life. He is (was) the first love of my life, and the guy all others will have to live up to. We hadn’t really talked much over the past year, but I had been thinking of him and praying for him often.
I’d like to share some of the good memories I have of him with you:
I remember after I met Jeremy, we went to a friend’s house where we watched a movie. All through the movie, Jeremy wouldn’t stop throwing pillows at me, but I didn’t start fighting back until the movie had ended. Our friend Ky had picked him up, and started swinging him around by his ankles, so I figured it was my perfect opportunity to seek my revenge. I picked up a pillow to hit him, but instead he collided with me, and we both wound up on the floor. I had a black eye for about a month after, and I know Jeremy got teased for beating up his girlfriend.
We had many great days together at the end of that summer, after he turned 16. We spent a lot of time just hanging out talking, or watching movies. Often we’d go to dairy queen for blue raspberry misty freezes.
The nights that he worked, he would often visit for a few hours after his shifts ended. My dog would sit at his feet, and lick the batter from his shoes.
There are still marks on the wall at my parents house measuring how tall we were on various days… it was always amazing when we’d measure each other only to find we were taller or shorter by two or three centimeters than we had been the previous day.
I remember feeling especially wonderful around Christmas time that year. Jeremy brought me to share Christmas with his grandparents and family near Pine Island, and I had him over before Christmas to meet my family, cousins, and sister who had flown home for the holidays.
He was my best friend at that point in my life, the best friend I’ve ever had. He gave me the happiest months of my life, and I gave a part of myself to him.
My memories of him are as real as they’ve ever been, but fade a little more with every day that passes… I don’t even have a picture of him. But I will always remember him, and he will always be in my heart. I loved him.
Now throughout my sadness, I cannot begin to imagine what you must feel. I hope the few memories I’ve been able to share are in some way meaningful. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you now.

In deepest sympathy,
Mary Krueger

I brought the card out to the mailbox, to send it off... but it's too wide and wouldn't fit. I was holding back tears again... :-/ I hope it gets there alright. And I hope it really does mean something to them.

We were talking at lunch today, and Kat was commenting on how green my eyes are. Suddenly, a flood of memories hit- I remember asking Jeremy if I could be his green eyed girl, since so many people loved and sang about blue eyed girls. And then, I'd ask him if we could run away to california together.... That everclear cd, learning how to smile... so many of my memories and feelings centered on songs they wrote.

I can't remember what color Jeremy's eyes were. I tried for a long time after we stopped talking about what color my eyes were... but I don't know. It makes me really sad. :(

The little I could remember of him is fading.

I need to not be edgy and spazzy at my friends. :( Jeremy dying is not an excuse, so why do I keep freaking out at them?

:-/ Right now, I'm a bit frustrated with myself, and with everyone around me. I feel like I'm the only one that's really sad right now- which might be true.... but it makes me feel like everyone else should either also be in mourning, or I should be happy. And neither seems like a probable alternative right now. :(

I don't think I know anyone who knew Jer as well as I did- infact, I'm not sure any of my friends were very close to him aside from Ky....

I guess I'm feeling kind of lonely. I want to be sad, but I don't feel justified (which might be silly) because no one around me really seems to be bothered by his death anymore.

The funeral was today, and I missed it. That's where all the other people who really cared would've been, not that I would've known any of them.

I'm not sure exactly where to go from here. A lot of contemplation, I think is ahead.

*sigh*

As many times as I've said it, I miss him.

I need to write a letter to Jeremy's family... that scares me a lot. I hope I find the right words.

Don't cry, I'm with you. Don't sigh, I'm by your side. Don't cry, I'm with you, Don't sigh, I'm by your side.

And though my flesh is gone, I'll still be with you at all times. And although my body's gone, oh I'll be there to comfort you at all times.

But If I'm gone when you wake up, Please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, Please dont sigh.
Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me, remember me 'Cause I'll be with you I'll be with you in your dreams.

I don't want you to cry and weep, oh, I want you to go on living your life. I'm not sleeping an endless sleep, oh 'Cause in your heart you have all of our good times....

Remember me 'cause I'll be with you in your dreams. -Hanson


Jeremy, I need you right now, and you're the one person I can't talk to, can't get a hold of ever again. I said goodbye to you once, I don't want to go through that again, and I'm holding myself back from it. I could go through the rest of my life pretending you just dissapeared for a while again.... but I can't do that.

You're the one my dreams turned to all these years. You're the one I remember and hurt for now.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep more. I feel guilty, because I've been pushing thoughts of Jeremy away by doing anything and everything else, and by keeping myself around people.

I feel as though I'm not accepting his death. As if I'm saying- it's not really real. It might have felt real yesterday, and I may have cried for you, but it's not real, and you'll be there when I get home. Period.

It's not as if I saw him a lot recently anyway.

I'm missing his funeral. It's happening in about an hour and a half, I think, in Rochester.

I want to cry more, but I think I'm temporarily out of tears. My throat still hurts from yesterday and the day before though... and I'm exausted.

Also, I feel like everyone else needs me to be stronger than I've been able to be... they need me to be okay. So, I've been trying to smile.

The numbness is finally settling in. I've stopped crying quite so much, although little birsts of tears still keep randomly occuring. All day he's still been in my head. I wish I could go to the funeral, I wish Laur could go with me.

I spent the afternoon hanging out with my aunt and cousin... it was really nice. I think they both knew, but we didn't talk about it. It gave me a chance to get my mind off of things for a little while- which really scares me. I'm not looking forward to so much time in the car in the next few days.

I wrote a bit in a journal I carry with me, which I might post later.

I want the numbness to sink in more than it has. I can't take any more tylenol though, and the headache isn't leaving.

I'm still crying a lot. Kat called from work today to see how I was doing, and tell me that she loved me, and when I hung up I was in tears again. I'm so glad she's here, so glad she cares- and so thankful that she's being so attentive to me right now.

I want to say that I don't need everyone to look out for me, and make sure I'm okay. But I'd be lying. Because I'm not okay, and right now it's nice to feel loved.

I'm lucky to have a Kat around.

I don't even have a picture of him. I wanted one before, but now I wish I had one so badly....

I'm trying to find music to listen to that won't remind me of him... I can't even do that. I wish my Dido CD wasn't all scratched up. That's the one I want to listen to most right now. I used to listen to it after I drove home from dropping him off.

Why can't I stop crying?

We have no macaroni, and I'm in tears.

Macaroni.

I miss him. :( I missed him before.

I can't believe he's gone.

Ugh. Jonathan woke me up before he left to say goodbye. I'm glad I got to say goodbye to him, but I'm never going to fall asleep agian now.... and, I couldn't even hold back crying until he left. I don't want to cry infront of him, or Alex, or anyone else besides Laur and Kat.

A fter staying up most of the nigth crying, praying, and not feeling well, I finally started falling sleep around seven. I'm suprised I was able to sleep at all- I was really afraid I was going to be awake for days. But my body is exausted. Even still, I don't want to move.

I was hoping so badly that it would all just be a dream, and that if I woke up everything would be alright again. But it's not.

I'm almost out of tears now. But all I want to do is cry.

My head needs to stop pounding. Laurie just made biscits. I'm listening to the CD Kristin made me.

*sigh*

I wish my friends at home were online. And awake.

Why am I checking my e-mail, hoping he wrote me a last goodbye, and why am I praying he'll get online? :( I make no sense....

Here's the rest of the obituary, and an article.... I think when I get home I'm going to go leave some flowers at his intersection. I won't be home ontime to go to his service... Kat suggested flying home earlier, and I would think about it, but I'd need Laurie home. I couldn't go alone.

Jeremiah Zebulon Kranz -- Zumbro Falls
Thursday, August 14, 2003

ZUMBRO FALLS -- A memorial service for Jeremiah Zebulon Kranz will be at 2 p.m. Saturday at Zumbro Community Church in rural Zumbro Falls. The body was cremated.

Mr. Kranz, 18, of Zumbro Falls, an employee of Fazoli's in Rochester, died Tuesday (Aug. 12, 2003) as a result of an auto accident near Oronoco.

Born Aug. 30, 1984, in Rochester, he grew up in Zumbro Falls and attended Zumbrota-Mazeppa schools. He had been a chef at Sandy Point Supper Club, and at the time of his death was a chef for Fazoli's in Rochester. He enjoyed cars, music and video games.

Survivors include his parents, Keith and Mary Kranz of Zumbro Falls; a brother, Joshua of Rochester; his paternal grandfather, Larry Kranz of West Virginia; his paternal grandmother, Sandie Shores of Zumbro Falls; his maternal grandparents, N. Carl and Nancy Anderson of Pine Island; and a maternal great-grandmother, Isabel Spooner of Pine Island.

Mahn Family Funeral Home-Rochester Chapel is in charge of arrangements.

Memorials are suggested to Hiawatha Homes of Rochester.

ORONOCO -- An 18-year-old Zumbro Falls man was killed and two others injured in a two-car accident on U.S. 52 Tuesday afternoon.

The State Patrol said Jeremiah Zebulon Kranz was westbound on Olmsted County Road 18, crossing U.S. 52, when his car and a vehicle driven by Amy Suzanne Thibodeau, 33, of Rochester, which was northbound on U.S. 52, collided in the intersection.

Kranz was reported dead at the scene. His passenger, Dillon Mathew Bera, 25, of Albert Lea, was flown to Saint Marys Hospital where he was listed in fair condition this morning.

Thibodeau was taken by ambulance to Saint Marys. She was in good condition, a hospital spokeswoman said today.

State Patrol Capt. Kevin Daly said it's not known if Kranz saw Thibodeu's vehicle.

"He never made it into the intersection," Daly said. "It was a T-bone crash in the left lane."

The accident occurred just south of Olmsted County Road 12-112. That crossing will be replaced with an interchange in a $26 million Minnesota Department of Transportation project in 2005. Also included in the project is an overpass near JC's Korner Mart on County Road 12.

Crashes on the highway that bisects the city of about 900 are not uncommon. There have been 19 accidents at the intersection of U.S. 52 and Olmsted County Road 18 in the last five years, 15 of which were property damage accidents. The other four involved minor injuries, said Brian Jergenson, public affairs coordinator for MnDOT. There had not been a fatal accident at the intersection before Tuesday, he said.

This accident comes at a particularly delicate time for Oronoco and Rochester, which are anticipating about 50,000 visitors this weekend for Gold Rush Days.

As in years past, Olmsted County deputies will be on extra patrol in Oronoco controlling both foot and vehicle traffic.

Olmsted County Sgt. Steve Kazeck said deputies will enforce a special 45 mph speed zone from Tilly's Tavern to approximately a half-mile north of Oronoco. They will also control the intersection of U.S. 52 and Olmsted County Road 12, stopping traffic to let cars cross the highway.

Why am I awake? His face passes through my mind every time I close my eyes.... I want to be sick.

A heads up... for those of you near me now, I can't deal with close snuggliness. I need space, and I need to mourn without being touched so much... I feel like I need my friends who knew him- knew what effect he had on me and on my life.

So, I appologize for tonight, and for my last days left in Seattle, because I'm going to be cold and distant.

That's the way it's going to be easiest for me to deal with this.

Jeremiah Zebulon Kranz -- Zumbro Falls
ZUMBRO FALLS -- A memorial service for Jeremiah Zebulon Kranz will be at 2 p.m. Saturday at Zumbro Community Church in rural Zumbro Falls. The body was cremated. Mr. Kranz, 18, of Zumbro Falls, an employee of Fazoli's in Rochester, died Tuesday (Aug. 12, 2003) as a result of an auto accident near... (Thursday, August 14, 2003)

that's all of the obituary i can see from here, because i don't remember my parent's code for looking at the local newspaper online.

*sigh*

I don't like words like "die" and "dead". I've never really used them before, and now they seem too realistic. Long term. Permenant.

Jeremy was the first boy I ever fell in love with- and at this point in my life, he was the only boy. He's the only person I've ever really imagined myself growing old with, and he's the one I make everyone else try to live upto. So many times in my life, when I've been down, his face in my mind has brought me peace I never found elsewhere.

I'm so thankful we ended on good terms... There was so much pain between us- and I'm glad he was alright. I miss him so much.... I tried to sleep tonight already- but failed miserably. I was praying like I usually do, and started praying for him. I almost broke down in tears again.

There's so much I want to say, to clerify. So much that can't be put in to words, and more to type than I'll be able to handle getting out.

He was a part of my life, he held my heart in his hands. He gave me a necklace for my birthday the month that I broke things off with him. The heart on that chain quickly came to represent my own. And for almost a year after I wore it every day to proclaim silenty the love I felt for him. When I took it off, I let go of the hopes and dreams of ever getting him back in the way I wanted him. We ended up talking only twice in the past two years.

So vividly, images keep popping into my head. He gave me the biggest black eye I'll ever have- and it was all because I was flirting with him. Never will anyone else have a story like that. He used to show up at my door with a flower, or a donut... anything that would bring a smile to my face- because he felt like it. He didn't have to have good reasons; he just wanted to show he cared.

I was so angry at God after I realized he wasn't going to be a part of my life like that anymore- after I realized he wasn't the boy I would grow up to marry. I wanted so badly for it to be him- so many nights I prayed that we could work things out. Even now, he haunts my dreams. I forgave God though, and forgave myself. Jeremy never needed to be forgiven. He hurt me deeper than any other person has- but with just cause. In the end, I got what I deserved. And he... he still had my heart.

Some people think I confuse love with obsession. For a long time I wrote letters, and tried every way possible to get a hold of him. But, it wasn't just obsession, because I came to terms with his feelings, and I let him go. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I never wanted to let him go....

It's hard to believe he's really gone. I want to go home, go to Fazolis, and ask if Jeremy's working. I want him to come out from the kitchen, and try to shy away... the last time Laur and I were home we did that. He never called after he said he would. Even though that was the last time I saw him, heard his voice, and touched his heart in a way that made both of us shy away... it was on good terms.

The last time I really talked to him, he told me about how his life had fallen apart, and he was finally trying to put things back together. He'd been suicidal, and had said that when he thought about wanting to die- I was his only real friend. I don't tell people that- I havn't before now. Because, through all of life, he's the one who was close to my heart. He was the best friend I ever had, and my reason to wake up in the morning.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning. Soon, the reality of this will sink in- and I still don't want to believe it.

I love him.

Jeremy died. I'm not quite sure how to take that in.. already I'm sick of crying. :( Hopefully sometime soon I'll get a better chance to reflect and blog a little bit.

Feh. Boy, I shake my fist at you. If I don't hang out with you before I leave I know I'll be sad. :-/

Napping did help a little.

%@#*%&@#()*%!@#()*%!!!!!!!

Why do I do this to msyef? Test my friends, put them in situations they can't or won't live up to, and then end up hurt because I know my expectations aren't realistic? Why can't I just tell them when I'm hurting, instead of expecing them to prove they really care?

Today was going to be a good day.. but now, any way it ends up I know I'll be angry or almost in tears by the end of the night.

*sigh* Kat had been talking about how she does this to people when she's in realtionships. I've known for a long time I did it then... I didn't realize I also do the same thing to select friends.

I'm going to go nap. Maybe that will make this agression fade.

Less than a week before I leave for home, and I'm finally feeling like things are falling into place. Today was really good- I was actually able to not stress out for the greater majority of the time I was awake. Dancing tonight was awesome- I danced a lot more with Mike and Miles than I usually do, and I got to dance with David(?), Tacoma Alex, and Max all twice... I wish all my dancing nights were this fun. I'm not nearly so intimidated by people in Tacoma.

Remeber me when you're out walking. When snow falls high outside your door; Late at night when you're not sleeping, and moonlight falls across your floor, and I can't hurt you anymore. You'll find better love, strong as it ever was. Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun, but please remember me....
Please remember me. -Tim McGraw

Laurie gives me a lot of crap for listening to the little country music I listen to, when she hears it.... but it gives me a strange sort of comforted feeling. It's something I can relate to, that I don't have to share with lots of people. It's something that Kari gave me an appreciation for- something that truely has a lot of sentimental value for me.

*sigh* I forgot to mention it.... but there was a part of tonight that was not cool. Apparently I still have a crush on a certain boy, no matter how hard I try to persuade myself otherwise. I flipped out a little bit at Mike, and punched him really hard a few times. It's weird how so much frustration can be relieved by just sharing with someone how much it gets to me. The worst part is... this boy- he's wrong for me. Everything about him goes against everything I believe. I want so much to not care.... but it just doesn't happen. It's aggrivating. And, especially when I freak out when I see him with other girls- that's just not cool.

I need to get a better hold of my emotions. *deep breath*

And, I need to stop caring so much if I'm the girl that every guy wants. I need to be happy just being me, and catching the attention of the few guys who notice me. :-/ It's better this way. I need to believe that.

Anyway, I'm waking up tomorrow early so I can meet Jonathan by 8:30. :) I'm excited I get to hang out with him tomorrow morning... I'm nervous too though. A good kind of nervous. I'm really still so glad I met him- he's going to be an awesome friend.

Sometimes, when you feel really down, and you try to pick yourself up, you find you've fallen too far.. and it's so hard. The world throws everything it can at you, and you try to smile, but it's too much. You can't take it all on, and you shouldn't have to pretend to.

As of late, I'm learning the hard way that I can't be everywhere and everything, and very soon I'm going to have to pick one path to follow. Even if I can be anything, I can not be everything.
I've been super homesick, and have been having a rather hard time figuring out where I should be this fall- anywhere I end up it's going to be hard on me. I don't think I can give up the people in my life right now... twice in the past year I gave up the people I had, and I'm not strong enough to do it again.
Plus, little things adding up have been getting to me. And, I havn't been feeling especially well. It's been a down week.

But, after all that, I look at what I have, and I see it's not so bad. I'm going to smile today because whatever is on my mind may be troubling- but it's not worth it to let the sadness think in. I want to live, and be happy, and learn how to smile again.

Seattle this summer has been probably one of the best parts of my life. I've gotten to know my older sister much better than I ever could've hoped to- and for that alone I am so thankful.

Now though, I'm stuck again. I don't know how to be a friend, and I don't know how to break through. Maybe she really doesn't need me right now- infact, I know she doesn't need me. But, that's not the point. I just want her to know I'm here for her, and her burdens are not burdens to me. Because I'm here out of love, and I would give anything to see her happy tomorrow. Today though, I would cry with her if she wanted me to.

Anyway, I worry too much, I bet. She knows I love her, and she knows that I'm here.

So, I'm going to go live out my day. Today, I'm going to live. :)

i failed mike last night.... i promised him something that i didn't live upto. instead, i sat awake in front of my computer for hours, afraid to do anything. maybe i could've been helpful, i don't know. i could've done something anyway. *sigh*

anyway, already i have a early morning headache- the alarm went off for a good two and a half hours this morning. (i'm not complaining, i really don't mind. and... that's not sarcastic. mornings are good for me.) but i'm determined to make this a better day.

it's going to be a long night. i tried really hard all day to stay away from the depression that sets in once in a while, and did a pretty good job. but now, it's late- i said good night to all my friends, and i can't sleep. why must insomnia hit tonight?

also, it seems a lot of other people are also not having good nights. that doesn't help any. blarg.

*sigh* holding back tears again, and the tylenol is just now kicking in. laurie and kevin just went to go grab some starbucks, but i stayed behind because mike said he was going to show up around 5.

well, so much for that.

i really want to call joy, and actually talk to him. but that's not going to happen either- because i don't want to cry, and because mike would prolly get here just as we started talking.

blerg.

i hate afternoons like this.

erg. sometimes i hate crying.... but sometimes it needs to be done.

I was talking to Laur today, and she doesn't think I was ever in love with Jeremy... she also thinks he was never in love with me- because she believes if we had been in love, we would've found a way to make it work. I almost want to believe her, but can't bring myself to do so. I think sometimes you can be in love with people under impossible circumstances. And, I don't want to underrate whatever it was I had for him... he, after all, was really the first person I felt anything for. He was my best friend- and I loved him.

I have a hard time talking to many of the guys I've dated these days... right now, especially Ben- I don't relate to him, and I feel like I never knew him. But Jeremy... we stopped talking because it hurt too much.

Thinking back, I know I was in love with that boy. I just didn't realize it until it was too late to fix everything that was wrong, everything that made us fearful, and everything that hurt so much.

If I could, I would live forever in those six months we spent together.


But since I can't, I've learned how to be happy with me, I've learned how to hope and dream again, and I'm figuring out where else I would want my life to go. I can't have him- but I can be happy still.

I want to find something I've wanted all along, somewhere I belong. I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything 'till I break away from me. I will break away, I'll find myself today.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real. I want to let go of the pain I felt so long. Erase all the pain till it's gone. -Linkin Park

I was listening to this song in the shower earlier today, and it struck me as describing a big part of my life. There's so much I'm putting behind me in the next month, no matter where I end up. I'm looking for a place that feels like home, and it's not something anyone can help me with.

Yeah.

Hmm.

I'm no longer tired, and can't pretend to be sleeping. Although, sleeping is what I really want to be doing right now. :-/

I hate the suspicions I work up in my head. Especially when I know they're not true, and that I'm just twisting things around. Like, it feel like Kristin and Joy are going to become best friends, and then they won't need me to be a part of their lives anymore- and it feels like Laurie is so much better at communicating with people that she's closer with Kat than I am. Both of these might have truth to them, but I'm positive neither of them actually are true. I wish I could convince myself.

Now I have to go find something to do for a change. What does one do when they wake up before noon?

After a bit of reflecting today, I think I ought to come back here for school. Here being Seattle.... I can't really explain why I feel the need to be out here- I know I'm going to be so homesick that it will probably almost kill me a few times. And, I know this isn't a final decision yet. But, I'm looking for God in my life- trying to figure out where His blessings are...

Anyway, I'd also been wondering what it would be like to go without dancing now that I've started. I'm scared that I'll lose a lot of what I learned over the month that I'm home. But, over all I don't think it will be so bad. I'm excited about getting to pounce on my little fishy soon. :)

I really am crazy now. I just spent an hour talking to Kristin on the phone- and I want to go back to Coe. I want to take classes with her, and be there a week early to greet all the incoming freshmen. I want to live in her room, and bond with her. I want to talk through the nights with her and Joy, and hang out and be happy together. *sigh*

But, it's too late to go back. And, even if I'm not seeing it right now, there is and was a reason that I'm not going back. I do miss her though. And Joy. And I hope so hard that over the year they don't forget about me.

The latenight dance tonight was much better than last night... I danced with a lot of people, and actually had quite a bit of fun. I wish I knew how to lead though....

Mike was talking tonight about how someday I'll be better than him at dancing, 'cause I've been learning so fast. As if I could ever be better than Mike. Pssht.

Peace out for the night, all. It's time for some long delayed sleep.

So, what does one do when they are tired of asking everyone to dance, and the night is only half over? Especially when they still want to dance a lot, but they know only one person will ask them the rest of the nighit- if they're lucky? What's the good way to deal with that situation?

After moving a little away from the edge of the cliff I've been standing near (going to the early dance tonight), I figured latenight would really help get me out of my down mood. Except, halfway through I stop feeling so outgoing, so I don't ask anymore guys to dance. They don't ask me either. There's one guy I'd been meaning to dance with, but didn't see till the last two dances- both of which he was clearly already dancing with other girls.

I miss friends that seek me out, even when other people distract them. It really kills me that entire nights can pass without certain people wanting to ask me for a dance. *sigh* Especially when I've asked them for the past few weeks.

Alex would seek me out, specifically wanting to dance with me... he left early though. So would Jonathan, probably.

I need to not care about this. And, I need to not stop being outgoing- because it blows not dancing for so long.... but it also really sucks that guys don't ask me to dance anymore. I tell myself it's probably because I'm not a very good dancer- and people see that when I dance so they don't dance unless I ask them. But deep down, that gets really hard to believe sometimes- other girls, the ones who are also too shy to ask guys get asked. Maybe they're prettier than I am.

Kat and Laur wouldn't approve of that thought. But that doesn't make it dissapear. :(

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

*taking a side note from the world, this is important- read on. it has nothing to do with the current moment, but is near and dear to my heart*

My older brother (the person I probably look upto most in this world) is going to be twenty three at the end of August. He's been in Iraq fighting since Febuary.... here's what my mum thought would be cool:

"On August 30, Leroy will turn 23. At that point, he will have been driving
army supply trucks in Iraq with his reserve unit for over 6 months. The
latest news from Washington is that reservists in Iraq are now doing year
long tours. Wouldn't it be great if we could fill their mail packets that
week with cards wishing him a Happy Birthday??? Birthday cards can be sent
to:

SPC Krueger, Leroy A
353rd Transportation Company, 2nd PLT
Apo AE 09366

Mail delivery seems to take between 2 weeks and a month, so if you send one
now, it would get there about the right time!

Just a reminder: if you're interested in seeing what their life is like
over there, one of the men in his unit has been periodically uploading
pictures to:
http://www.crazyed.net"

Even if you don't know him, consider sending him something. Anything would make his days better... and even if your letter only consists of "happy birthday", it'll make him smile.

Think of it this way- who's the person you look upto most? Have you got anyone who looks out for you and loves you and will vouch for you when you need them? They would want mail from complete strangers. He does too.

Anyway, I'm going back to life now. I might post about that later.

I'm feeling a bit down again. Today was pretty good.... I had a lot of fun at the picnic this afternoon. I'm not really sure though, why it is that I have this negative feeling swelling up.

It's almost like I'm disconnected from things. Everything I want is at my fingertips, but I'm not quite touching it anymore.

I don't know where my dreams go anymore. Seattle changed everything- I thought I wanted to find someone, settle down, grow old, and be happy. Now I'm scared- I don't want to slow down for anyone, I think I might want a career that I'd actually work at forever (vs. wanting to turn into a stay at home mom), and although I'm excited about a family, the last thing I want to do is settle down.

I've got friends on every side of me right now. But, now matter which way I fall, they can't catch me- they don't have that kind of power. I have to catch myself, I have to decide where I want to be and who I want to become.

I feel so dependent on people... like, if my sister weren't here, I wouldn't make it through the days. Or, in Iowa, I would be nowhere without Kristin. At home, it's my parents. And, although I could become capable of standing on my own... the idea scares me to death.

I think that's the biggest part of what's scaring me, and depressing me right now. I don't want to settle down, but I don't want to be alone either- and I don't know where the compramise is. I'm not sure I'll ever meet a guy that will be able to deal with my mood swings and restlessness. I know right now, there are guys that would be willing to try- I know of one great one. But I don't know how to deal with them myself. And they're not a burden I want to share.

*sigh*

I wish I knew what I wanted.

Hmmm. Alex has been gone for about two hours now- his flight should just be taking off. I miss him already. My friends here are fun, but wow it was nice to have him around. I'm feeling a bit shy and quiet today....

Also, I'm really resisting urges to message Jonathan. *sigh* I bet he's working anyway, but I'm excited to have a friend here who's more my friend than anyone elses. (I still love everyone else a lot! Just as much!) Plus, I feel like we connect a lot better than I have with people in a while. I could just be crazy though- wishing away life until it fits what I want it to be.

Anyway, I'm off to pretend to be brave; there's a potluck picnic on the beach today for the lindy exchange people. We'll see if I can convince myself to get involved in the festivities.

Blarg. I've been a bit frustrated with myself lately. Mostly htough, that's because of the way I have to force myself to act around Laur.... the guys she's involved with right now.... he's really nice I gues. But it bugs me so much when I see them together cuddling, or holding hands. And it drives me crazy that she stays at his house every night.
I feel like I'm not justified in feeling this way. It's her life, and I really don't have the right to say who she should and shouldn't be dating. But, I can't convince myself of this enough to get over all the negative energy I get from them- and it's getting harder for me to be happy in their presense.
Anyway, I need to get over this. I just need to find a way to not let it bother me anymore.

Aside from that, I've been having and awesome week hanging out with Alex- he's a lot of fun, and I'm really glad he's visiting. :-D

So, tonight again, changed a lot. I realized that moving to Seattle has changed me quite a bit- and maybe I'm not really looking for a serious realtionship anymore. I mean, someday I want to settle down and get married- but that's a long way off. I'm happy just being free.....
After I talked to Jonathan about this new revelation (he was kind of tired, and I wonder if he'll remember later that we talked) he seemed to be okay with it. I'm still super excited about getting to know him- I think whatever happens between us (which is a long way off too), we're gonna end up pretty good friends.

Anyway, over all, I took Tim's advice- I was brave, and I took a risk. But, after considering circumstances, I admitted that it's not something I'm ready for- and I was even braver to live up to that knowledge. It would've been easier just to not have said anything.
Wherever I end up, I'm going to be happy. Already, I'm feeling pretty good.

Ack! I want to cry, or puke, or scream, or collapse... just something, anything to get my mind to stop racing.

What the hell am I doing out here? In Washington, with my little sister and parents... all my friends and all my comfort zones... everything that's ever felt safe so far away?

I'm so scared... scared of making this commitment- three years is a long time to be so far away. I'm scared I'm loosing base with God, and pulling away from where He wants me to be. Most ofall, I'm scared of this new thing with Jonathan- I really like him, but there's no garuntee he's the right guy.

I've fallen so hard, and I healed. Now I'm getting up, and I'm trying to remember how to walk. But I'm so scared of tripping and falling again, that I'm taking it extremely slow.

I hate being this frightened... I wish I didn't worry so much.

Also, I'm not hanging out with Jonathan tonight. :-/ Already, I miss him, which makes me think maybe it's good that there's a bit of space. (I'm working on my non nerotic tendancies of not smothering people... even though *wink wink* I know it's not an issue yet.)

Man, my sister's had a rough day. :( I wish I had a good way to make her feel better, although this time I don't think I can buy her a waffle maker. *sigh*

Anyway, maybe it'll help if we get out of her way for a bit and give her some space. So, tonight we're going to hang out at her Alex's place while her friends try to cheer her up.

Ohh goodness. I like this boy. A *lot*.

Yes, I realize I only met him on Sunday. And yes, I realize that we have been rather intimate for the amount of time we've known eachother. But what you don't see is that we've been talking, and we've both agreed we want to get to know eachother a lot better.

Do you see the look in my eyes after I spend time with him? That smile on my face? Do you have any idea how long it's been since that's happened?

We're going to try not to rush things... and we've got a long way to go... but man, I'm excited.

Ugh. I feel kind of crumby right now... a bit nautious, and really really tired. I'd bet if you were to ask anyone awake around me, they'd tell you I was grumpy too.

Kat's dog stresses me out. She says that's bad, because he can sense my stress and that makes it worse for him... but I really can't help it. I think the way he snaps at people makes me afraid of him, and of other dogs. The past few weeks, I've caught myself shying away from other dogs more than I ever have before. And, I don't know how to not be nervous about it- even if he did just have a bad day, or is feeling a little threatened by a new person... I can't help but worry. Although, most of the time he is the sweetest dog in the world.

Also, I got teased a lot today, now that there is a certain boy in my life who I've been a bit excited about. I don't quite know how to respond to that... and I'm not quite sure what I'm getting myself into.

Saturday night, I prayed that God would send me a direct sign of where I should be this fall - Minneapolis or Seattle - and Sunday, God put Jonathan in my life. I've been not dating all summer though, partly because I don't want a guy to have the biggest impact of where I stay... I'm so young, and I havn't had a relationship that's worked out yet (obviously, or I wouldn't be nervous about a new one), and I know that a lot of relationships don't work out in the end. I guess, I don't want to stay if he's the only thing keeping me here, for fear of things not working between us.

I guess I should really talk to him, and figure out where exactly we stand. Anyway things work out, he's changing my life- probably for the better. But, this is big for me. Even though I've been hoping for someone... there are a lot of things that are going to be different. The biggest of which (as much as I hate to say it) is cuddling with one of my better Seattle friends on the nights he stays in town.

*sigh* I've got a lot of thinking to do. Only a week and a half left before I head home... and before I leave, I need to know if I'm coming back.

Hmm. Tonight I had a rather odd dancing experience with Ruven. He pulled me up seeming like he wanted to dance with me, but instead sat where I was sitting. I then pulled him up to get him to dance, but apparnetly he only gave in because Miles kicked him. He didn't think my pulling was asking. Bah... it was just nonverbal, that's all. Plus, it was his own fault. I liked the spot I was sitting. :)

Anyway, after the dance, as Chris and I were looking at my shoes, it occurs to me that it's about time to get them replaced. They're litteraly falling apart at the seems. :( Trouble is, they're my glitter shoes- and I'll never find another pair like them. I love those shoes to death, and I don't want to give them up. I've been searching online for the past hour trying to find something acceptable, but to no avail.

*sigh* Poor glitter shoes.

The giddiness I acumulated last night is still with me, and this morning I woke up feeling really good. :) After I got home from the dance last night, I talked with my new frind online a bit, along with Alex- who gets here tomorrow!! Also, Kevin called, and we ended up hanging out for a while. This morning, when I woke up and got my breakfast (no M&Ms in my rice crispies today) a toy fell into my cereal bowl! (It's been years since I remember there being toys in cereal... I think it must've gotten deemed a safety hazard or something.)

Anyway, I'm still smiling. :)

Against my better judgment, I went dancing tonight... and man-oh-man (hehehe. I shouldn't use words like that. they amuse me though) am I glad I did. :-D I actually met a really awesome guy, and had a lot of fun.

Yay for dancing! And being brave!

I hung out with Mike today, and had the most fun I've had in a long time. He brought me to watch him freestyle, but we actually didn't see any frisbee players. We ended up walking along the beach, skipping rocks, picking wild blackberrys, harassing crabs, playing with a bit of water, and just having straight out fun. I'm really glad Mike was up for spending some time with me... he's such a great guy. And, he's one of the few people in my life right now who can actually get me to smile.

*sigh* I'm sitting at the computer wishing I could be back at Coe with my friends. I feel like the step I took to not go back to Coe was a huge one- because even though I know I wasn't happy there, I think I took a lot of my friends and a lot of the safety and secruity I had with those friends for granted.

I don't know exactly what made me so unhappy at Coe. Looking back, I never really felt like I fit in... a lot of the time I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone. Even now, as I think about it- there are maybe three people I still really talk to, or who care enough about me to see how I'm doing once in a while.

I was never very good at making friends... but the ones I make I keep. It's hard for me to really talk to people- I'm open, and will tell anyone anything if they ask- which they don't usually. But I don't ask a lot of other people most of the time, because I always feel like I'd be invading them somehow. Once in a while I get brave enough to ask a question or two. When I'm lucky, people catch on and start talking a lot or asking questions back.

Right now, I have friends where I am. There's Mike, Kevin, Alex, Chris, Miles, Jim, Adam, Jason... but they don't give the same kinds of things that my friends from the midwest did. And, although I know at least a few of them would in a heartbeat- I feel like I still need to find someone else to fill the gaps.

I feel like I'm talking crazy right now... what's this crazy talk about gaps being filled anyway. What is it that I need so much?

Someone who understands me... to the point where we can comfort eachother without words, or physical action. *sigh* Someone who can sit next to me and not say anything, but still know what's bothering me.

It takes a lot of guts to make friends like that. You leave yourself so open to their pain, and you let them see so much of who you are. No one can hurt you like they can. But... no one can understand you like they can either.

I miss the idea of Jeremy. Everything that he used to be in my life... I want that again.

This loneliness isn't going to dissapear with another "good friend". But it can't get any further than that anyway, because I smother people.

So I'm stuck.

Last night I got maybe four hours of sleep... this morning, I woke up and took a workshop on some internal type of martial art. Busy busy busy.. and exhausted. :) But happy. That's what I am.

I was so brave on Thursday night.. I asked billions of people to dance- and had an overall great time for the first time in weeks. From now on, I might have to make it a point to ask more people. I hope I stay brave enough.

Aside from that... I'm still lonely. I've been single for a good amount of time now- and I feel like I'm ready to jump back into the swing of dating people. Problem is I'm not quite sure how to go about it. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm off to take a nap. Happy Saturday. :)

My mom just made national CBS news! http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml#eveningnews (IBM's Day in Court)

Talking about fighting for what you believe is right.... I think I've got more than a few great role models in my family. I'm so proud of her, and so excited that things are actually happening. It's been so long since she started fighting for this.

Yay for mornings and breakfast! Today, Laur and I went up to the roof to play cards and eat pizza.... stupid bee foiled our plans though. He showed up halfway through eating to buzz around my food, so I spazzed out a bit and moved. My pizza got put on a ledge, the wind blew a little bit and *poof* half my breakfast was sacrificed to the roof. Bah.
Stupid bee.

My sister is sooo sweet... she knows Laur and I havn't been sleeping well lately, because we've been getting woken up by people in the apt. in the morning, and kept up at night. So, last night she slept at a friends house. I slept really well.... aside from waking up in the middle of the night feeling nautious. (I can't lie down when I'm sick, I have to sit or stand.. which makes sleeping a bit tricky.)

But, yay!!! I love my Kat.